The last time I wrote anything, it was my last week at Codesmith. I’m still figuring out a lot of things about how I feel and what I want. Mostly it feels like idle fantasy to me, but if I assess my life from outside, it seems like real changes actually have happened or will happen. I think I’m going to be confronted with that reality very soon if I keep going the way I’m going.
The past 6 months have been an insane process of learning, partially technical, but largely about what it means to have a seat at the table. I was a student, then a teacher, and now I’m working on becoming a professional (can’t say I’m there until I’m actually employed, but damn, it feels like it). What I’ve taken away from these experiences is the feeling, the responsibility of having people listen to my words, to take my judgments as guidance for themselves. I’ve reassured people, coached them along, encouraged them when they didn’t believe in themselves. All of it has been an incredible, rewarding process, and I’m deeply grateful to the people who have made it possible and who have supported me along the way.
That being said, there are still a lot of things to iron out. I interviewed with Amazon this morning, and there’s strange stuff going on. I feel like I almost wanted to fail. Why? I’ve been fantasizing so much about being a well-paid software engineer and having the freedom that comes with it, so why am I not afraid of missing my shot? Why do I have a hard time focusing, and why don’t I put in more of an effort?
I didn’t think I felt too stressed yesterday- I went to the museum and had dinner with Caroline instead of feeling pressured enough to grind leetcode and think about behavioral questions through the whole day. I did wake up a few times throughout the night, but I… didn’t really feel anything. Even a couple of hours after the interview, I found myself eating a beautiful chirashi bowl and feeling very little about it. There was a gorgeous piece of ika with a mint leaf, and I tried to savor it, but kept slipping away from the moment, the sensation.
It’s not bad, though. I just haven’t felt much of anything about… most things. Really, it’s just the thrill of solving problems, of being under pressure, of demonstrating enough skill that someone’s willing to fly me out, book a hotel room for me, and pay for me to be here- those are the only things I’ve felt anything about lately. Maybe that’s not altogether a bad thing. Food doesn’t need to be super thrilling all the time, and it’s good if I still feel passionate about solving problems.
I’m going to have a lot of choices soon, wherever I end up. I’ll have the resources to do the things I want to do, and I won’t have to stress out about money, or about whether I can save a couple bucks on a meal. I have never made more than around 10–20k in a year, and that number could jump to 120k pretty soon.
Maybe it’s that the ika doesn’t feel like a particular treat when I don’t have to plan for it, when it’s a casual decision that’s paid for by my employer. This is a sign that I’m going to have to really think about my priorities, and about the things that I truly care about beyond struggling to afford to live like a normal human being. I won’t always have to hustle to reach stability, and that’s potentially gonna be where existential anxiety starts setting in.
I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, though. For now, I need to focus on chasing that first job, negotiation, and finally on finding my place in a professional environment. Parsing my emotions comes after, and I think I’m fairly well-prepped for it, given my experiences in psychoanalysis, literature, and art. I’m curious to see what’s next.
