i’m 16 and i think i’m a boy and i’m at the park with someone who thinks the same of themself. their name isn’t lyla yet, but it will be. We’ve been friends since the 7th grade, but lately we’ve started holding hands. I don’t remember how it started, but it feels normal to casually touch one another. We lean up on one another and cuddle on the school lawn during lunches, playfully flirt in front of the girls, and sometimes get wasted and make out at the house parties.
Each night would go the same way — the girls would get too drunk, lock themselves in the bathroom and cry together. A responsible, sober friend would wait patiently for them to finish, then get them home safe once it was time. I’d refuse the ride, walk back alone, and find some quiet street where I could kneel and vomit into the gutter.
I’m 17. lyla asks me to go to the mall with them. I’m thrilled and I spend the whole morning fantasizing about them and reading yaoi and BL fanfiction in the living room.
We go to the mall. Some guy at one of those booths offers us sunglasses — 2 for $25. lyla hands a pair to me. It smells like cheap plastic and it squeezes on my head a little too hard. I think it’s too expensive, but lyla says it looks good on me and we buy a pair. I’ll wear it to school tomorrow, and then the day after that, and then the day after that.
In a couple of weeks, we'll sit in the park again and I’ll talk awkwardly around my feelings about them, and they’ll gently bump their head into me and tell me that we can’t.
Spring break comes, and lyla and I go to their grandparents’ place on the Colorado River. We spend the whole day riding around on jetskis. I push myself a little too hard and am thrown from the vehicle, and my body skips twice on the surface of the water, just like a rock. I’m shocked but unharmed. The sun starts to set and we head back to the house.
There aren’t a whole lot of beds, so we’re sharing one. In the dark, we cuddle in the way that we usually do, but my heart is racing again. When I put my ear on lyla’s chest, I can hear that theirs is, too. We giggle and make jokes and do not talk about the way that we grind our clothed bodies into one another.
I’m 18. We’re graduating soon, and we’re planning to skip the school grad night, buy a bunch of booze, rent a hotel room and throw our own party. lyla, their girlfriend, and another couple are coming. There’s a liquor store that never cards us, and we pick up a couple of bottles of vodka, fireball, malibu rum, whisky, and a case of PBR.
The night comes and I get there a bit late. everyone’s wasted. The couple is on the bed, and i’m amused that a foursome must have happened there. pillows, blankets, cans, and grocery bags are scattered around the room. Lyla’s girlfriend is on the couch, drinking water and holding her head.
i grab the plastic vodka bottle off the floor and take an aggresive swig, and Lyla lurches into me. their hands are on me and their tongue is in my mouth. i’m surprised I don’t feel anything. My nose starts to bleed. the taste of iron washes over me and it’s all i can smell. Lyla leans in harder and i hear the slurry edges of their words. “this is the hottest fucking thing i’ve ever done”. I’m distracted, and my eyes pull towards their girlfriend.
I let Lyla’s tongue push around in my mouth a bit longer, then pull away and excuse myself to the bathroom.
i run the faucet and stick my face into the stream. I watch as water mixes with blood and little red bubbles form in the sink. I raise my head to take a breath and catch a glimpse of myself. The blood doesn’t stop, and i can feel it — thick, warm, and wet as it pools on my lips, then drips down my chin.
One drop, then another, then another.
